You are never too much & you are always enough.
The phrase I used to title this article hit me like a ton of bricks today. Mostly because, in full disclosure, I’ve just felt so frustrated with not feeling like I’m doing enough. One of those places where I don’t feel like I’ve been doing enough is on this blog. I’ve been MIA on here for two weeks now. Which may not sound like a big deal, but when I started this I told myself to be extremely consistent with this platform. I told myself I would post once a week, trying to post every Friday. Well, that went really well for the first three months. I’ve had a lot of free time early on this summer, time I used to commit to this page and I was really proud of my consistency but thennnnnnnnn, life happened. August hit hard.
For starters, my Mac basically decided to crash and I’ve been trying to fix it for the past 2 weeks b/c ya girl does not have new computer type of funds rn. Plus, this Monday, I have my first (extremely important) exam to qualify me to continue into my second year of graduate school. All the while balancing two summer jobs, friends, family, time with Jesus and a new relationship. All important, all priorities. All good things. But YA GIRL WAS BIZZAY.
First off, yes we can address that I, Kaitlyn, over-book myself frequently and have a “yes” problem that I’m currently recovering from soooo yes, I realize that is an issue. Okay, okay? Different issue for a different day.
I wanted to talk about the fact that not only my lack of consistency on here, but also my inability to be fully present and give my all to everything in my life has been tearing. me. apart. inside. Being pulled in every direction and not feeling like I’m doing enough in any part of my life creates this deep, dark inner battle.
“I should be doing homework right now instead of hanging out with friends. I’m not being a good student.”
“I should be pouring into the important relationships in my life instead of spending so much time studying. I’m not being a good friend.”
“I can’t believe I don’t have a blog post up..”
“I didn’t have time to do the workout I’d like, I’m so lazy.”
“You’re too focused on this right now.”
“You’re not focused enough on that.”
The whole “Do more, do better” inner dialogue can make me feel like an absolute failure if I listen to it.
But why does my inability to perform perfectly affect me so deeply?
When I peel back the layers of why I feel so defeated by my lack of hustle and in choosing the things I give my hustle to, it bothers me so deeply because my worth is in them. My worth wasn’t necessarily in my friends, school, or jobs but rather in my ability to be able to perform well in all those areas. My worth can so easily tie itself to my ability to be good and do good. But ya know what? I’m imperfect, your imperfect and this world is imperfect. You can never be totally in control of your performance. There are just too many variables. Too many unknowns. Too many Mac books that randomly crash (@ me). At first, for anyone who is very task-oriented, driven, high-achieving, people-pleasing this is terrible news (also @ me). I get it. It’s really frustrating to let the fact that you will never do enough or be enough to fully accepted by this world.
But it’s in these moments, moments of “failures” in the world’s eyes that I’m so humbly and gratefully reminded of the truth.
The truth is, my value is not placed in my performance, it’s placed in my position.
My position as a daughter to a gracious, unconditionally-loving Father. Unconditional, meaning a love not in any way based off of how “good” I am or how “good” I do.
As a daughter to the most High King, I am worthy just because He says I am. And you are too.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. – 2 Peter 2:9
Your worthiness and enoughness are very fragile pieces of the soul and when you place those parts of you into the imperfect hands of the world and the people in it, they can and will be easily broken eventually. So much insecurity and self-doubt I experience comes from my inability to perform well. Essentially my inability to be perfect. I have to constantly redirect my thoughts to the truth of what the gospel says. We are worthy, we are enough in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, not because of anything we did but because when God looks at us, He sees Jesus. Jesus, who paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we may be seen as clean and pure. Wiped clean of all imperfection and unworthiness.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” - 2 Corinthians 5:17
I write all this for you and I both. That in our most imperfect and inconsistent moments, that we remember to give ourselves the grace that God has given us.
Remember that you can’t be all things, to all people, all the time.
We were not created or called to be perfect, we were not made to be the most successful, liked, put together individual on the planet. And I’m so thankful for that, because we will never be that and that’s okay.
We were however created and called to beacons of light into a dark world. To extend grace and love to others in their imperfections and unworthiness. To share the truth of where true worth and love comes from. That is our callings as daughters and sons of our Creator.
So in whatever you do, in as many things as you are doing, and whatever the outcome; whether you do it really well or you completely drop the ball, do it with your true worth in mind.
Whatever you say or do should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks to God the Father because of him. Colossians 3:17
Do what you can, do it well, and whatever the outcome is have peace and confidence knowing that you are loved and accepted regardless of the outcome.
Life is hard. Inner-voices can be mean. Days are busy. Choices are tough.
But remember we have a Heavenly father who is bigger. Who’s yoke is easy and burden is light. Who sees past your works and performance on your worst days AND your best days. Live today in the peace and freedom that come with that.